Spirit Tapestries

As an Indian-born physicist employed at The National Laboratory in Los Alamos, New Mexico, home of the atom bomb, Chandra Pillai’s visionary encounter seemed almost paradoxical in the context of his job as a nuclear scientist.

Many aspects of Chandra’s life didn’t seem to make sense in light of his scientific and questioning mind. As a young man living in a small village in Kerala, India, he used to walk about mile every Friday to worship Devi in one of India’s thousands of goddess temples. Along the way villagers would heckle him because in those days it was unusual for a teenager to be so religious. Chandra had always been attracted to temples and worship services.

In 1988, Chandra learned about Ammachi [Amma] but was only vaguely interested in meeting her. He decided to go to one of her programs not because Ammachi was a saint, but because she was from Kerala. Chandra laughed, joking about the fact that not many holy people come to the U.S. from Kerala, only engineers and scientists.

Chandra remembers the first meeting well. While Mother [Ammachi] was walking to the front of the tent, she looked at him, then they exchanged a few greetings and pleasantries in Malayalam. After the bhajans Chandra and his wife Latha were impressed. The songs were more emotional than they had ever heard before, in India or anywhere else.

Chandra describes his experience: “When she put me in her lap suddenly I could feel the difference. I had never felt like that in anyone’s presence. Even my own mother or father or anyone. Just being near Amma and touching her made a change in my surroundings. I didn’t know what it was. She told us to sit near her, so we did. While I was watching her, I started crying quite a lot. I couldn’t understand why. I wasn’t sad. It was a sweet feeling while I was crying.”

The next day Chandra couldn’t concentrate on his work because he was always thinking about Mother. “This had never happened to me. I’ve met many people, but now something was bugging me, a fire in my mind, something pulling me back to her. A craving. I called Latha and said, ‘Let’s go a little early today.’”

The next evening Chandra and his family sat near Ammachi. He noted that Mother talked just like a regular person. “No lecture on spirituality. Nothing. She only asked me questions about my work, family, and such things. I wondered why such a person who doesn’t talk about religion could be so appealing. We hear this same kind of talk from everyone, but don’t feel the same way. Amma doesn’t look extraordinary, talk extraordinary; why is she so appealing?”

“Since that meeting with Amma I started thinking, ‘Why?’ I went through many doubts. I have a scientific mind. I always have to have proof. We scientists don’t believe anything which cannot be proved. When I looked at life, I thought I don’t need a God. Why do I need a God? I see a lot of people who are very good people who don’t believe in God. They give to charity, live a nice life, don’t hurt anybody. They are happy and fine. So that means I don’t need a God. Everything can be explained and everything can be made the way you want it, if you try and are smart.

“In the beginning some people thought we were in a cult and were afraid we would get brainwashed. I even wondered about that myself. At the same time I thought maybe I’d have enough intellectual strength to get out if I wanted to. But would I be able to get out if I wanted to? It was an ongoing process: I would analyze all along because I’d never had anything like this before. What was I turning into? Maybe I would become fanatical, give up my job and walk away.

“I had gone to school and studied, but I never thought I would have a religious experience like they talk about in books; I thought these tales were only someone’s imagination, that they weren’t actually possible. I knew Krishna lived a long time ago, but I didn’t think I’d ever know someone like him. Now, after meeting Mother, all I had read was making sense. I wished I had met her earlier in my life.

“Then I began to think, ‘Who is she? Why is she here? What is her mission?’ Then when I would see her, I saw only a regular person. I was very comfortable with her. Usually I am shy, sit in a corner to read books. I don’t pay attention to people very much. In front of Mother I can say anything, including jokes, even jokes which I don’t say in front of other people. She just smiles. She gave me the name ‘joker’ in the beginning. It’s as if I am naked in front of her, with no secrets. I’ve never felt that in front of anyone. Not even in front of my family ( I might make them mad if I tell a bad joke. But in front of Mother, nothing makes her angry. I forget everything else around me; I only see her, only the two of us.

“I wondered, ‘Is she going to tell me some day who she is? Maybe I’m not in a position to ask her this.’ Then I noticed another thing that attracted me — her knowledge of everything. When I found out she hadn’t attended school past the 4th grade, I wondered how she could talk like she does, as if she’d studied all the books in the world and understood them in the most practical way. I’d never seen that. She is straightforward and clear. How can she know all these things? She sometimes narrates stories from Hindu scriptures using all the exact names. I don’t think she ever read those books.

"Also her practical knowledge about science and her thinking about life in modern society. Most swamis and holy people I’ve ever known don’t like to talk about these materialistic things. When I hear about Amma and her schools and that she wants the best technical schools and hospitals, I was amazed.

“One time I asked her, ‘Mother, you don’t like scientists, right?’

“She said, ‘I like science, son. But science has lost its heart.’ Mother told me that most scientists just want to be superior. They think they know the answers to everything and they are arrogant. It’s not that she doesn’t like science. Mother always sends someone with heart pain to a doctor.

“Her interest in science and technology attracted me because she sees the good in it when used in the right way . We don’t know what potential man can have. He can have anything he wants. Science can be a path. I’m a nuclear scientist. Mother says that when you reach a certain level, you don’t need a lab. You can do it by thinking about it, by your will power alone. I’ve found it interesting that when we do experiments we are always finding what we want to find. I realized that when a scientist wants to discover something, he can, because from his thought he’s probably created it. But man has to know how to use this ability. What many scientists think about is how to hurt someone with their technology. Mother says that more advanced knowledge will be reached when man has evolved spiritually to want to use things for the good.

“Over and over again Mother would clear my doubts every time I saw her ( that’s what science is supposed to do). All my experiences with her and the things she would say were leading my mind. Before I met Mother, science was one thing and religion was another, there was no connection between them. Science is against religion and religion is against science. Mother has shown me differently.

“Slowly things became more clear. Most great scientists toward the end of their lives became very religious, such as Nobel Physicist, Albert Einstein; Nobel Physicist, Steven Weinberg; Cambridge Professor, John Polkinghome; Nobel Laureate, Charles Townes; and cancer biologist, Carl Feit. They realized spirituality in the end of their lives. Although they didn’t write it in books, but they told about it in small conferences. Many of them became very devotional and pious, realizing, ‘What have I invented? Just a speck in the cosmic knowledge.’ This realization made them understand there was a power behind their discoveries and inventions. With age, as we get older these kinds of religious thoughts can happen.

“For many years I used to think, ‘Why did Mother come as a mother, not a Krishna, or a soldier, or a politician who has power?’ Then I realized the motherly way is the only path left in the world which is pure and sweet. For a mother, her children are always precious, even if they are murderers or addicts. Mother always loves them. So maybe that’s one reason why Mother came as a mother in this Kali Yuga when everything is so corrupted. People don’t trust anything any more except maybe their own mother. You can always go to your mother when you are sad or you have a problem. She will never throw you out. Or if she does, she’s doing it for your benefit. When I thought further and tried to compare Ammachi with Buddha, Krishna, and Rama, they all came for a certain purpose that is suited to that time.


CHANDRA'S VISION
“To get on with the story of my experience: we always wanted Mother to come to our house. We nagged her and begged her. She always asked how far our house was from Santa Fe. ‘One hour’s drive, then back one hour. Two hours; it’s too long for you,’ we’d answer. We’d been coming to Friday satsangs in Santa Fe ( every one since 1993. As my mind had become more clear, other things in our life became less important, so attending Ammachi’s bhajans in Santa Fe was the only thing we wanted to do in addition to the pujas we’d hold in our home once a month.

“After Friday nights we’d reach home around 1 a.m., but we were never tired. On the second Friday in August 1996, we left Santa Fe around 11 or so. I had given the satsang talk for the evening on the spot because no one was there to do it. I talked about 15 or 20 minutes and told some Hindu story about Krishna. We went back home and I was feeling very uneasy because something was going on in my mind, but I didn’t know what or how to explain it. Usually when we go back my mind is quiet. This time I was feeling an unknown turmoil.

“I went to bed, but I was not sleepy. Latha fell asleep right away within 2 minutes. I was lying looking at the ceiling. I couldn’t sleep. It was around 2 o’clock. Slowly I closed my eyes and started dreaming, a clear, awake dream; I was aware I was dreaming. The dream started in Santa Fe in June, at about three o’clock in the afternoon. Mother was giving darshan at a regular program. I was sitting with Mother when the program ended. She asked, ‘How far is your house from here?’

“‘About an hour,’ I said.

“‘I’ll be there around 6:30 or 7 in the evening.’

“I thought, ‘Oh my God, she’s coming!’

When we leave for Santa Fe, we just leave our house as it is, we don’t clean it. I got excited and nervous.

I went to Latha and said, ‘Mother is going to come to our house this evening. She wants to come before the evening program in Santa Fe. So what shall we do? I know, I’ll go home and get everything ready. I’ll pick up some puja stuff and get flowers. You stay here and come with Mother to show her the way.’

“Then, still in the dream, I went to the car and drove very fast. I parked the car on the street instead of opening the garage. When I got out of the car, I saw a white cloth in front of the house with flowers all over it. I thought, ‘What is this?’ Then through our glass front door I saw light coming from inside, but not electric lights. In India we have a special lamp for the Shiva temple, a big fruit you can cut in half and make two lamps out of. It’s like an avocado, but you can’t eat the fruit because it’s poisonous. You put oil in the halves, then insert cotton wicks. We put hundreds of them all around the Shiva temple during festivals; it gives a very good feeling. So I saw these lamps on either side of the steps to my house, and going all the way up to the 3rd floor where our puja room is.

“So, when I saw all these lamps and light coming from inside my house, my heart started pounding. I was alone and didn’t know whether I should open the door. Finally I opened it. Slowly, I stepped one step at a time. Then on the way up the stairs, I turned, bumped a lamp with my foot, and tipped it over. All of a sudden I woke up. My heart was fluttering so fast; I’d never seen these lamps except in temples, but now I was awake.

“Then I felt a yearning to go upstairs to our altar. I didn’t tell Latha. I slowly got up. My heart was pounding so much, and my yearning was so strong to go and meditate; I normally don’t have such a powerful pull. After I got up I noticed there were no lamps, so I knew I’d had a dream and I was fine. I went upstairs; it was a little dark with only a night light on. Usually I go and prostrate at our altar, then step back a few steps and sit there and meditate. Now I went very slowly. When I got to the puja room I saw a form of a person sitting there in the dim light.

"I got a little scared. I didn’t know what I was seeing. I put my hand on the floor and looked and asked in a soft voice, ‘Mother?’

As he described the phenomena, Chandra touched his hand to his heart and made a sound, “Fffooff,” to express his wonderment.

“I had only said this one word, ‘Mother?’ then I saw her little white dress, with the cloth over her head, sitting in lotus posture in a meditating mood with her eyes closed. I didn’t know what to say. I was so surprised and little nervous, but didn’t feel like calling out. Now instead of going three steps back I went ten steps back. My mind was thinking, ‘How did she get here? Maybe it’s not real.’ But there was nothing on the altar that had a form of a human being. We had only pictures.

“Maybe half a minute passed, or more, then she opened her eyes, smiled at me, didn’t say anything, then closed her eyes again. She didn’t say anything. Slowly I started feeling that I didn’t have a body. I was kind of floating in the air while sitting there; it felt like I wasn’t touching the ground, like my body was gone; just air. But I could still see and feel everything around me. Then a light started coming from the back of her and the light became stronger and stronger and stronger. It became so bright it made me blind.”

Chandra’s voice quivered. “Then the Mother who had been in white clothes suddenly turned into the real Devi.”

After becoming silent for a few minutes, head bowed, nearly whispering, Chandra narrated what happened next. “I could see the whole universe in her; everything was coming to her and everything was coming out of her: the sun, stars, the good and the bad, all of creation. It was hard to understand where had it come from and how the whole universe could be in such a small space.

“The sight was just the way I used to observe things when we do experiments at the lab. There we try to look deep into atoms, try to understand the forces which hold the protons, neutrons and pions, maons, and quarks together. We see a wonderful and amazing world as grand and beautiful as the cosmos. Particles are being created and destroyed there, converting themselves into energy and energy converting to particles. Everything is in perpetual motion. Nothing is at rest even though all we see looks stationary from the outside. We can witness an exact mirror image of the universe in one tiny atom.

“In my vision of Mother, nothing was separate from her. Whatever was happening in any part of the universe was happening through her, and not without her knowledge. What I saw before me was so bright and so beautiful, I don’t know how to explain it. So beautiful. Now I could believe the things I’d read in the Hindu scriptures and the Bible. At one time I thought these were just good stories to make us feel good, but that the events were not possible in a real sense. Because of what I saw before me, I could accept as true the story about baby Krishna’s mother prying open his mouth because he’d eaten some sand then seeing the whole universe there. I could be certain of what the Saint Meera Devi saw while she sang to Krishna. I could believe what Paramahamsa Ramakrishna experienced when he cried and prayed for Kali.

“I don’t know how long the vision lasted. Maybe ten minutes. I thought it was going to be permanent, that I was going to be in that state all the time. Then the light dimmed slowly and Mother went back to her more recognizable form and disappeared. Slowly I started getting all my normal senses back: that I was sitting on the floor, that my body had feelings. I was crying very hard, and I was shivering.


“For a while I didn’t want to talk about it. Later I was walking around outside and felt a strong desire to go to India right away. I didn’t know what to do, if I should quit my job or what. But I wondered who would take care of Lakshmi and Latha. I was very confused.”


“Later Mother explained that I had that experience so many people can learn. God has appeared to many people in unexpected times; one doesn’t have to be a renunciate or a monk.


“Still it’s difficult for me to sit near her or look at her pictures; I start crying right away.

"My experience, though, changed my attitude about physics. I can see that science provides only a glimpse of the whole truth. When we look at the particles, at the atom, it is so mysterious, so beautiful, so wonderful. We’ve been splitting atoms for many years. Every time you split it we find it is still smaller. Krishna said, ‘I reside in the smallest of the smallest.’ It means Krishna can keep on dividing the atom. When we see the experiments in physics we can see the amazing beauty of the whole creation. But we worry about fighting and making weapons. I think it is the destiny of man to go through the Kali Yuga and eventually we will learn from our mistakes, then we will realize how foolish we’ve been. We will realize there is a level way beyond what we now know. But we have to have the proof through experience. At least I had that vision of Devi and I can still contemplate what I saw. It was so beautiful.”